I have a medical condition called Endometriosis , This in a nut shell means my body hates me and i pretty much always feel like that horrid 1st day of your period x10. I cramp i bleed i get a lot of pain and I'm always tired ( plus more stuff but this isn't about the endo well not really )
so what is this post about you ask? Well when you visit a doctor and they tell you that you need to come in for a ultrasound the 1st thought that pops into my head is
" But I'm not pregnant "
your appointment letter comes and if you have ever had an ultrasound for a pregnancy you will know the drill. Arrive with a full bladder and to not go to the toilet until after the scan. What your letter most likely won't tell you is that after you've had the scan with the jelly and knicker wetting pushing down on your rather full bladder you will then be told to go to the toilet ( Best wee ever! ) but then you have to go back and get naked from the waist down, The reason for this? well my friend you'll now be having a internal scan. But I've jumped ahead lets go back a little.
so you've got your letter and what a surprise it falls on a day when your working. Que the awkward conversation with your boss / HR about needing time off to go for a ultrasound. be ready for them to wonder if you have a bun in the oven as lets face it that is the 1st thing that everyone thinks of once they hear the words ultrasound. work is sorted and your lovely mum is going to drive you to the hospital as you know you'll be in pain afterwards and can't face the waiting room alone.
The appointment day rolls around and you down your 1 & 1/2 pints of water within minutes you are in need of the toilet but know better. you watch some TV and eat lunch to keep your mind off of the scan and your full bladder.
Once you arrive at the hospital you take a seat in the waiting room along side the pregnant ladies, Some sitting alone and others with family or partners. you'll feel like your waiting for your 12 week scan as your full bladder is given you a lovely little baby bump. But they know your not as you'll be the one without the Bounty folder. They will look at you and you can almost tell that they are trying to work out why else you would be waiting to be seen.
The Radiologist is lovely she will explain everything ( you don't have the heart to tell her that you've had 5/6 scans before not including the ones when you was pregnant ) You will lay on the bed and not look at the screen as you know your not going to see a baby. The idea of seeing a empty womb has always made me feel a little numb inside. The knowing that never again will i get to see a little blob on the screen and hear the heart beating. I am so lucky to have my son tho as i know many women who can't have any children. Then you leave to wee and return for the part you fear the most. The scan isn't as bad as you think but for someone with my problems its no walk in the park. You find a spot of the ceiling and you focus on that. You'll be asked questions about your pain and periods.
Once its all over you get dressed and leave knowing you'll have to wait to find out what was seen or not seem on the screen, part of you hopes they have picked up something on the scan and the other parts hopes not. But you know deep down that something isn't right inside of you, She pretty much told you this herself but you have to wait to speak with the doctor.
now for most this is a time of happiness waiting to get photos printed of the little bundle of joy growing inside of them, for me its time to reflect on what could be growing inside of my body unwanted and taking over my life. The endo cells grow like mould and can never really be fully cleared. they can burn it all away and this has helped in the past but it soon grows back, I wonder if i would be better off without my empty womb all it is doing is hosting a nesting ground for the endo to grow and twist and turn up my insides.
I am 30 years old with a 5 year old son. I would like to start having my life back now, So the next time you see someone who looks to have a baby bump just stop and think that baby bump could be period blot or a cyst she has growing inside of her. please don't assume that if someone is talking about needing to go to hospital for a ultrasound that this means they are pregnant.
I am now waiting for my MRI scan appointment. This i am bricking it about.
