Am i a bad mum? mum guilt strikes again

Now as a first time mum i often ask myself this question and its normally around the same time of the day ( Just after Bodhi's bedtime ) If you didn't know Bodhi is my son he is nearly 5 and he is ... well .... hard work.

I love him don't get me wrong but i am finding myself more and more often losing my shit with him and questioning myself as a parent. Now i know he is at a testing him of his life, Just having started school in September he is over tried most of the time and i don't have the longest of tempers in the world.

Our mornings are stressful and our evenings often end in tears. I know i am not alone in these feelings of my guilt and worries of being a shit mum. but In my head i am all on my own and there is very little light at the end of the tunnel.

When i drop Bodhi off at school in the mornings i see all the other mums ( and dads ) they seem mostly happy and well put together... me... I'm lucky if I've remembered to change out of my slippers and put shoes on! I have spoken to a few mum friends and it does seem like we are in the same boat its just they are in 1st class and I'm down on the bottom of the ship with the scum !

Bodhi is at that age when he knows best, he knows how to press my buttons and ( i think ) he enjoys it. The other day i was so upset and angry i very nearly walked out of the house ( Chris was at home so don't worry that i was walking out on my child ) When i was getting my shoes on Bodhi ( who was also crying ) told me to stay. so i did, Moments later he is shouting and screaming at me again so i told him to put his shoes on as he was leaving !!!! i opened the front door and i told my 4 year old child to leave, Now i didn't but a small part of me remembered a time before having him a time when i didn't spend most evenings in tears tidying away the mess and crap from the day.

So am i a bad mum ? I love my son yes? but sometimes i really don't like him at all. I am hoping that in writing this it will make feel a little better and that tight feeling in my chest will ease a little. I feel like the Hulk and this mumma Hulk is pretty much always green these days.

I want to look back on his childhood and remember the good times, the laughter and smiles and not the shouting and crying. So i am going to count to 10 more, to walk away when i feel myself getting stressed and heck i might even get myself a hobby that means i leave the house once in a while.

But for now i am off to have a bath, a good cry and to once again go to bed after another stressful Monday thanks to my beautiful son Bodhi.

Now just inserting this photo i can't help but smile, this is the happy memories I'm talking about, the love the cuddles the lovely Bodhi i know he can be ! i may be the Hulk but my son is defiantly doctor jekyll and mr hyde.

Ikea Stress

I love buying things second hand for many reasons, the biggest is the saving money, so when i saw on a local Facebook selling page the same Ikea bed id been lusting over for Bodhi for a bargain £20 i knew i had to have it !! only problem was the seller was moving house at the end of the week and Chris couldn't go get it before then ( no way i could have fitted it all in my little car ) so i asked if i could pay another £10 for them to bring it over and yesterday afternoon it arrived , 

Well this is when the stress started ! The photo below is from the Ikea website of the bed they stock... BUT they used to also stock the same bed with blue or pink ( the bed we have got is the blue model ) so i was thinking i was being smart by downloading the instructions for the white bed thinking they would be the same ( i was very very wrong ) it seems that our blue bed is Ikea bed 1.0 and said white bed in photo is Ikea bed 1.1 so yeah.... it was a little bit like trying to cook a recipe by only using the photos as the instructions are in a different language ! 

With a lot of help from my mum, dad , husband ( and Bodhi ) we got the bed made in a little over three hours! Bodhi is so please with his big boy bed and it is pretty big !! it takes up nearly all of the box room , So it looks like the change over of bed rooms will be bumped up the to do list. 

The bed new from Ikea would have costs 

£130 for the bed frame ( KURA reversible )

£12.50 for the bed tent 

£35 delivery or who knows how much if we had driven to pick it up (can't go into Ikea for just one thing knowing me i'd have spent over £30 on candles and meatballs )

plus for the mattress ( we got the mattress within the £30 over all cost ) 

So over all buying second hand we saved over £150 this saved money will be put towards the new carpet for the boys room, so yes it was a huge pain in the bum and without my families help I'd still be making the sodding thing but it is done now and Bodhi is over the moon to have it so its worth the stress in the end!