I love him don't get me wrong but i am finding myself more and more often losing my shit with him and questioning myself as a parent. Now i know he is at a testing him of his life, Just having started school in September he is over tried most of the time and i don't have the longest of tempers in the world.
Our mornings are stressful and our evenings often end in tears. I know i am not alone in these feelings of my guilt and worries of being a shit mum. but In my head i am all on my own and there is very little light at the end of the tunnel.
When i drop Bodhi off at school in the mornings i see all the other mums ( and dads ) they seem mostly happy and well put together... me... I'm lucky if I've remembered to change out of my slippers and put shoes on! I have spoken to a few mum friends and it does seem like we are in the same boat its just they are in 1st class and I'm down on the bottom of the ship with the scum !
Bodhi is at that age when he knows best, he knows how to press my buttons and ( i think ) he enjoys it. The other day i was so upset and angry i very nearly walked out of the house ( Chris was at home so don't worry that i was walking out on my child ) When i was getting my shoes on Bodhi ( who was also crying ) told me to stay. so i did, Moments later he is shouting and screaming at me again so i told him to put his shoes on as he was leaving !!!! i opened the front door and i told my 4 year old child to leave, Now i didn't but a small part of me remembered a time before having him a time when i didn't spend most evenings in tears tidying away the mess and crap from the day.
So am i a bad mum ? I love my son yes? but sometimes i really don't like him at all. I am hoping that in writing this it will make feel a little better and that tight feeling in my chest will ease a little. I feel like the Hulk and this mumma Hulk is pretty much always green these days.
I want to look back on his childhood and remember the good times, the laughter and smiles and not the shouting and crying. So i am going to count to 10 more, to walk away when i feel myself getting stressed and heck i might even get myself a hobby that means i leave the house once in a while.
But for now i am off to have a bath, a good cry and to once again go to bed after another stressful Monday thanks to my beautiful son Bodhi.