whats changed? ( School drop off nightmare )

Being a 1st time mum is hard ... like really hard ! when they are young you have no clue what it is your meant to do doing. I thought i had it pretty much cracked with Bodhi he has always had such great range of speech so could always tell me what was wrong or what he needed.

When he started full time school in September 2016 he LOVED it ! he was a big boy in school uniform staying all day, having lunch, making friends, learning he was over joyed when he learnt to write word and read them back.

This was up until maybe 3 weeks ago..... that's when he all started... 

" mummy my tummy hurts " 

" I don't like school "

" children are mean to me " 

" I want to stay with you "

" I miss you " 

This has broken me as a parent. My happy brave and out going child has become the child who is crying his eyes out once the school gate is open, the other child now know to go in ( with out parents ) take coats off and to go into class, Bodhi .... he is clinging onto me for dear life begging me to take him home. I have spoken to his teacher and she tells me that he is 100% fine once he is in class its just getting him away from me and into class, We have sat down after school and had chats and its always something different to why he doesn't want to come to school ( this morning it was that his hands were cold )

I have tried bribes , praise , and tough love. nothing is working, When we get into the main playground he is fine running around playing with friends, As soon as his class gate opens he switches and becomes a wreck and then in turn so do i , Now part of me thinks he is doing it to make me feel guilty for sending him but on the other hand he is fine once i leave him ! its just so hard!! like really hard, i used to look at the parents of the crying children and think to myself " i couldn't cope with that " and i can't ! i dread the school run each morning and all day i keep my phone on loud in case the school phone me.

I have my fingers crossed that we crack this problem asap if anyone has any hints or tips PLEASE leave a comment i am willing to try anything ( this morning i was thinking of offering to help out at his school so he knew i was in the same building ?!?! )

I miss the Bodhi in this photo taken on his 1st day only a few months ago, If i was to have taken a photo of him this morning i would cry looking at it. 

Am i a bad mum? mum guilt strikes again

Now as a first time mum i often ask myself this question and its normally around the same time of the day ( Just after Bodhi's bedtime ) If you didn't know Bodhi is my son he is nearly 5 and he is ... well .... hard work.

I love him don't get me wrong but i am finding myself more and more often losing my shit with him and questioning myself as a parent. Now i know he is at a testing him of his life, Just having started school in September he is over tried most of the time and i don't have the longest of tempers in the world.

Our mornings are stressful and our evenings often end in tears. I know i am not alone in these feelings of my guilt and worries of being a shit mum. but In my head i am all on my own and there is very little light at the end of the tunnel.

When i drop Bodhi off at school in the mornings i see all the other mums ( and dads ) they seem mostly happy and well put together... me... I'm lucky if I've remembered to change out of my slippers and put shoes on! I have spoken to a few mum friends and it does seem like we are in the same boat its just they are in 1st class and I'm down on the bottom of the ship with the scum !

Bodhi is at that age when he knows best, he knows how to press my buttons and ( i think ) he enjoys it. The other day i was so upset and angry i very nearly walked out of the house ( Chris was at home so don't worry that i was walking out on my child ) When i was getting my shoes on Bodhi ( who was also crying ) told me to stay. so i did, Moments later he is shouting and screaming at me again so i told him to put his shoes on as he was leaving !!!! i opened the front door and i told my 4 year old child to leave, Now i didn't but a small part of me remembered a time before having him a time when i didn't spend most evenings in tears tidying away the mess and crap from the day.

So am i a bad mum ? I love my son yes? but sometimes i really don't like him at all. I am hoping that in writing this it will make feel a little better and that tight feeling in my chest will ease a little. I feel like the Hulk and this mumma Hulk is pretty much always green these days.

I want to look back on his childhood and remember the good times, the laughter and smiles and not the shouting and crying. So i am going to count to 10 more, to walk away when i feel myself getting stressed and heck i might even get myself a hobby that means i leave the house once in a while.

But for now i am off to have a bath, a good cry and to once again go to bed after another stressful Monday thanks to my beautiful son Bodhi.

Now just inserting this photo i can't help but smile, this is the happy memories I'm talking about, the love the cuddles the lovely Bodhi i know he can be ! i may be the Hulk but my son is defiantly doctor jekyll and mr hyde.

Mum Rant & Mumguilt

** This blog post is a mum rant **

So..... today is Friday , its been a long long week ! My 1st week back at work after 2 weeks off on holiday , trying to sort out house stuff ( planning building work ) and also we are in the middle of the summer holidays and every morning Bodhi is asking if he is going to school today.

Flash forward to 11 am , I have spent the morning doing emails, editing and blog stuff in-between playing trains and other games with Bodhi. Once my work is done ( well not done but Im starting to get a headache and mum guilt is creeping in ) So off we go for a trip to our local town for some time at the park then to pick up some new books from the library.

All is going well , The park is full of children of Bodhi's age so he is off having fun playing, I let him have 1/2 an hour play time then off to the library we go, Once we get inside we find they have an arts and craft table out so we sit down and have some craft time, Another 1/2 an hour passes and he pick out 2 new books to take home.

Walking back to the car that is parked in morrisons i tell Bodhi that i just need to pop in for a few bits and he could pick a treat for us to have with our lunch. All is well he picked out a pack off muffins and i picked up what else i needed. Now Bodhis is having a sleepover at my parents this weekend as we are away at a wedding , So i suggested he could pick a bag of sweets to take to share at the sleepover. He picked a bag a sweets and everything was fine UNTILL ! I wanted to look at the smaller bags of sweets and i told Bodhi i would just be a moment , He said this was fine. Then he started grabbing all of the small packets and putting them into the basket. I told him to put them back as i was just looking , He didn't in fact he put more in the basket. I used my best grown up mum voice ( few other people looking at me ) that if he didn't listen to me and put them back i would and i was also put back his bag of sweets for the sleepover.

can you guess what happened?

He didn't listen ! so i put all of the sweets back and said it was time to go to the tills ( still had the muffins tho ) Bodhi has a full on toddler hissy fit ! Screaming, crying , stamping this feet the works. he is now grabbing at the sweets like a mad man so i pretty much carry him to the tills and i can feel everyone eyes on me and my screaming son.

Once at the till he is still screaming and trying to pull away from me to go back for sweets, I explain why i put them back and that he isn't going to be having any. He still is crying and shouting at me for sweets. I can feel everyone is pretty much looking at my right now. So i stand my ground and tell him no. Once i have put the few items on the belt he is still on one. I tell him he needs to calm down or i will also put back the muffins. i let go of his hand so i can get my shopping bag out of my bag. He runs off, I grab him before he can get far and i tell the check out lady that i no longer want my muffins.


Oh dear god , Bodhi starts up again full on screaming about the muffins begging the worker for them, and she looks at me and says " why don't you just let him have them love " why? WHY??? ill tell you why because he will never ever learn and I am not going to let him bully me into it.

I buy my items and go to leave, she them says to Bodhi ( Who is still sobbing ) " poor little thing " poor him ?? poor me more like everyone looking at me like I'm worlds worst mother , Like i haven't just spent over an hour with him playing and doing fun things for him, Im the bad guy as I'm not giving in to his screams. i think not lady !!

The 10 minute drive home Bodhi is screaming at me things like " i hate you " " worlds worse mum " " never speak to me again " So i turned up my radio and zoned him out.

Once home i told him to go and have a lay down and to come back down when he was Bodhi again and less like a goblin. 15 minutes of sobbing and him talking to his cuddly toys he comes down and asks me

" Are we still friends mummy? "


and yes we are still friends , And i hope next time he will listen just a tiny bit more to me. To all the parents who feel like they are the bad guy for saying no... your not ! what good would it have done me or him if i'd let him come home with a bag of sweets??

Pointless blog post. But i feel better now.

Rant over.